The difficulty of saying what you want is knowing what you want.
Which 'I' is doing the wanting?
What will the consequences be if someone knows you want this?
Will you be more easily disappointed? Or more easily satisfied?
The point is, life is different when you clearly say what you want.
Do you want it that way?
KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
When you start experimenting with saying what you want, you might be surprised that the most prominent thing that you know about yourself is what you do not want, and not what you actually want.
You might notice that you are walking in the world looking for what you do not want. Then you live in the very small world of what is left after everything that you do not want has been put aside. Every time you say 'I do not want this', you close a door. Slam, slam, slam, slam! And you wonder why you feel alone is a little grey room.
In terms of 'Knowing' what you want, your mind is a poor resource. Your mind can only know of what is reasonable, logical, already known, tried and proven workable. Your mind wants are your survival wants (see below for which 'I' is doing the wanting). These are that have kept you surviving since your childhood.
What you want - by which I mean what your Free and Natural Adult wants - is informed by the Clarity of your Anger. Most of your Adult wants are inform to you by low intensity anger, between 1 and 10% intense.
If you are walking around with a high numbness bar, you never have access to the information of your low intensity Anger about what you want.
Knowing what you want starts with lowering your numbness bar. Lowering your numbness bar starts with consciously feeling your Anger.
WHICH 'I' IS DOING THE WANTING?
'I want you to change'
One 'I' that could saying 'I want' is your Gremlin. What does your Gremlin want? Well... your Gremlin wants to control, manipulate, take revenge, humiliate, gossip, triangulate, hate, seduce, to have power over, 'kill', be right, make wrong, make problem and messes.
One sneaky way your Gremlin can get a hold of saying what you want is to twist it into: "I want you to change". It might be said in more subded ways such as: "I want you to keep your promise." "I want you to do this or that", or with the understanding that "Only if you do what I want I will be okay." Your Gremlin would then condition your relationship or your okayness to them changing who they are.
You might remember being around people who wanted you to be a different person... It's not so great...
Your Gremlin says "They are the problem, if only they were different, there would be no problem.!" In reality, there is no problem. It is because you - as your Adult Ego State - are not truly saying what you want that there is a problem. You have the power to solve the problem: say what you want!
Ah! But your Gremlin might not want you to solve the problem, because then what would it eat? if you cannot complain, blame, shame, gossip, triangulate about your relationship. Oh no! Your Gremlin might starve if you stop using your primary relationship as a Gremlin feeding zone.
LET THEM HAVE THEIR PROBLEMS
What will the consequences be if someone knows you want this?
One of the consequence is that someone might have a problem about you saying what you want.
They might get angry: It is always about what you want! And I do not want to do this anyway!
They might get sad: What about me? Nobody cares about what I want...
They might get scared: I did not you wanted this... Do you not like me anymore?
Gosh, they might get glad: Fantastic! I am so happy for you!
If someone has a problem with you saying what you want - guess what? It is NOT your problem! It is actually their problem!
People have worked hard to make their problem. People create problem so that they can learn something. Problems are to your Box what sandpaper is to wood: what can use to give yourself a new shape.
You create your own problem for your own evolution.
They create their own problem for their own evolution.
And the Universe goes round.
As you are lowering your numbness, learning to inner navigate your emotional body, and being okay with your 4 feelings: angry, scared, sad, and glad, one of the skill that you build is that you can hold space for people feeling angry, scared, sad or glad. They are just feeling something. Feeling something is not a problem, it is a gift of life (on the New Thoughtmap of Feeling).
One useful powerful sentence to remember when someone is feeling something around you - and especially about you is: "It seems that you are feeling something." and then do Completion Loops.
Warning! This is not an invitation for you to be an emotional garbage can. If they blame you instead of saying what they are feeling, you can simply end the conversation by saying: "I want to hear what you are feeling. If you are unwilling to do this, then this conversation is over."
To stay centered, and connected when someone is feeling something - especially about you - takes practice (and therefore time). On this journey, it is useful to do Emotional Healing Processes about the Fears that come up, about - for example - what will happen if someone feels angry around you as it might have happened in the past (such as you will be physically hit or beaten, or punished in other ways, criticized, humiliated, etc...) These things have truly happen to you, so your body remembers: if someone is angry about me, this will happen, therefore, I will make it so that nobody gets angry around me.
This is an old decision, that saved your life as a child. Now as an adult, the invitation is to realize through real practices such as saying what you want, and staying centered that you can take care of yourself as a Free and Natural Adult around people who are feeling (even your children!)
'I WANT TO DO THIS WITH YOU'
Each sentence you sepak invokes a particular space. You might be thinking something in your mind and making the Assumptions that the person who you are communicating with understands the parts that you are not saying. For example, if you invite someone to go take a walk in the park and you do not say 'I want to walk in the park with you' than you are invoking a lonely walk in the park and the other person knows that.
Some Sharings After The Practice Of 'Saying What You Want' in a Rage Club
I want to try something different and share in the group what touched me in our session tonight; I felt authentic sadness about it. I was saying a lot of « I don't want », or what « I want you to », for the other person. When my coach proposed me to start with what I want, it made me such a strange effect, and took a moment to feel what is it that I actually want in this situation. Then it was like shifting from putting something outside of me - a boundary, a need for something to change- to looking at the center of my being, From there, I felt my words were coming from my heart. My heart knows, what I want, what I need. From there I know what I want, I can feel it, and it is immediate, now and now and now.
I feel sad writing these words because it reminds me how much I do not listen to what I really want. And fear of the consequences, when I start to say what I want. I also felt angry because I remember going this practice last summer, and then to forget about it again...
I realized, that I mostly choose between two options: to say or to react on what I don't want. If it's a situation, where things are not so important to me or I have not a strong opinion, I defer to the other person's want. So either I agree to what others want or I fight against that which I don't want what others want.
I realized that really knowing what I want in relationship with others is very hidden to me. At the same time, I know very well what I want when I am alone. I am very clear and strong in decision making if I have permission in a context where I am the leader of a group, as teacher, as responsible with children, etc...
If I am with me, I am first. If I am with others, I ask first what others want. For example, who wants to start? or what do we want to eat? Do you realize the WE in my question?!?. Even if I know, for example that I don't want to start, I don't say it! I will ask what others want in the case where I know I can stand the decision. When that happen "I tell me, ok, it's not a big deal, you can also start" so I start.
Another example, if the other person would say: "I want to eat Pizza", but I want to have Thai Curry, I feel good to be a nice person that agrees to Pizza. These might seem like simple examples. But unfortunately I also made very outreaching decisions with big effects in my life with the same pattern.
I had a very strong experience with my pattern around four ago. We were playing the 'King' cards game. The rule is simple: if you play the king card you are king and tell the others what to do until another person plays her/his card to overtake the king role. When I was king and could tell the whole group what to do, I started a process to find out what they wanted. I didn't took long time until another woman took over from me. She was very long time king by asking for all things she really wants. And the group followed her. I hated it, as she showed me exactly, what I was not able to do. And on top, she succeded! And did not have my card anymore, so I could only decide to stay or to quit the game. And quit was not an option. She was authentic and real. I was not real, I tried to be liked from all and to make everybody happy. What an illusion that is!
I want to share something that I have carried a very long time with me.
I feel a big sadness about it for all the moments in my live where I have been pleasing others so as to not feel alone.
The saying “I want…” exercise troubled me a lot. I noticed, that I start to smile, doing many movements to show “I am not sure what I want, please don’t be angry / stay with me is more important, than say what I want.” I felt the loneliness of my live is so big. I do not feel what I want. I only want is that there is somebody with me. I am ready to do almost everything not to feel alone. There is like a big hole, which I don’t want to see. So I manipulate others to be with me and decide for me, so I don’t have to be alone. It´s a strategy of childhood not to feel all the sadness behind it.
Yesterday, I went out for a walk in town after the practice. A shift that had happen about a year or a year and half ago finally landed in me. I was walking on the side walk, and then I see a shop I want to check out, so holding my partner's hand I say: "I want to see this shop." or "I want to walk in the sun.", or "I want to say hello to our friends in another cafe.", "I want to check the post office.". Because we have negotiated this part of our space of relationship, he will either say 'Yes', 'No' or 'Yes and' such as 'Yes and I want to check this shop, so let's meet here when you are done'. I realize that because we both say what we want ongoingly, the space of relationship is an empowered authentic dance! I remember years ago when my anger was not unleash, I could not say what I wanted, and the space was mostly this painful, sticky moments when both me and the person I was with could not/would not be clear and then nothing would happen. Just thinking about it makes me angry and sad.
SAYING WHAT YOU WANT IS DIFFERENT FROM SAYING WHAT YOUR MOTHER WANTS
EXCERPT FROM AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION
It is Sunday brunch at an Intimacy Journeyer Lab in Poland in 2022. The buffet table overflows with leftovers from the week's luscious meals.
OLIVER: It looks like your Gremlin put the food on your plate!
CLINTON: You are making comments about what other people put on their plates? Are you aware that this is a full-out Gremlin attack?
CLINTON: Let me show you what that is like on the receiver's end. Hmmm... It looks like you filled your plate with what your mother thinks you should eat.
CLINTON: What does your girlfriend think about that?
OLIVER: I don't have a girlfriend.
CLINTON: Case in point. If you do not put on your plate what you want to eat, then you are not being yourself. If you are not being yourself, then who does your girlfriend have to relate with? Not you. You are a hollow man. There is no one there to relate to. And probably your Gremlin was making comments to your girlfriend about what she put on her plate to eat. Were your trying to force your girlfriend to eat what your mother wants you to eat? How long do you think someone should tolerate that kind of behavior before they leave you?
CLINTON: You might want to consider taking your Balls back from your mother so that you can finally put what you want on your own plate. And yes, after helping me deliver eight week-long trainings in a row in Mexico, Portugal, Denmark, and Poland, I invited my Gremlin, Skar, to select what he wanted from the buffet to eat. He loves the Rhubarb Blueberry Apple Crisp and the Brownies because he helped bake them for everyone, and he was happy to find some leftover.
OLIVER: Thank you for this conversation.
CLINTON: You are welcome. Thank you too.
Experiments In Saying What You Want
DO NOT SAY EVER WHAT YOU WANT
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.01
For a whole week, do not say what you want, ever. If the waiter comes and asks you want, silently point to something on the menu or ask him what you should get. Ask him, "What is good here? What do you recommend? What do you like?" Let him decide.
Ask yourself what clothes your boss would like, or your friends. Let the top 3 layers of your drawer choose for you. If you go shopping, let the advertisement choose for you.
If you are choosing a movie, let Netflix's suggestions decide for you. Let your partner choose what restaurant to go to or what meal to cook, whether you like it or not. Let your dog decide if you go right or left on the street.
Notice your experience when you behave according to what others tell you. Notice your own, internal experience. Are you irritated, satisfied, relaxed, tense? What is going on inside of you? Take notes in your Beep!Book. Tell 3 people about your experience of not saying what you want for 1 week.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.01 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
FOCUS YOUR SELF-OBSERVATION ON IDENTIFYING YOUR WANTS AND WHO IS DOING THE WANTING
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.02
This experiment is to:
Set the timer on your watch for it to go beep every hour. When it does, you Notice which Identity you are serving in the moment. You notice what your Identity is about. Self-indulgence, or making excuses, or blaming somebody, or trying to be as efficient and hard as possible, really focusing and please other people. Which Identity is in charge in the moment that the beep goes off? Come up with a name for this identity and write it down in your Beep!Book each time.
Observe and try to recognise what percentages of the day are driven and powered by the wants of the various Identities you identify with. Who are you pleasing? Which Part of you? Your Child Part, your Gremlin Part, your parent's opinions, your boss, your children? Whose wants are you fulfilling?
We are in Mexico right now and we don't know the culture really well. But it seems like people are either very busy doing something, or doing nothing. Most of the people are not doing stuff for themselves. It seems like sitting down and doing nothing and playing with their phone is the time when they get to do something for themselves.
Some people reserve the weekend to do things that they want. Even if you do that as a strategy, how much of your weekend are you doing errands and paying bills? It is somehow not okay to do what you want.
Whose wants? Which wants are prevailing, controlling, dominating in your life? What percentage of the day are you serving with which wants?
Notice which I’s, which identities have the most powerful wants in your daily life. After you have self-observed like this for 5 days, check out the different identities and percentages you have written down. Create your top 5 Identities you are identified with. Notice what Feelings and Emotions come up.
After completing this experiment, please upload your top 5 Identities list and register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.02 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 2 Matrix Points.
FIND OUT WHY IS IT NOT OKAY TO SAY/DO WHAT YOU WANT (FEAR)
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.03
Make a list in your Beep!Book of 10 things that you would really want to do. Things that are important to you but not urgent, and then usually tend to not happen.
Find out what your reasons are. After each thing, write down your reasons why it is not okay to do that thing. Write down who would feel jealous, who would feel abandoned, or that you think you do not have enough money or that it is foolhardy or expensive or not conservative enough. Why are you not eating what you want, going where you want, trying what you want, saying what you want, listening to what you want, creating what you want, going where you want?
Look at your list. Notice how it is not only external circumstances that are deciding. Notice how it is actually internal circumstances that are determining what you do and do not do. You have a whole library of reasons why to do or not do anything. Most people are not aware of how this library is actively shaping your life.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.03 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 3 Matrix Points.
EXPAND THE OPTIONS OF WHAT YOU CAN WANT
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.04
You might not be able to Say What You Want because you do not know what you want. Most probably, long ago, you shut off all the parts of you that did not fit with your mother's wants, your father's wants, your teacher's wants and later your boss's wants, your partner's wants or your children's wants. You shut that down.
This experiment is to reconnect and unleash the part of you that wants things that are not offered on the Modern Culture menu, or on the menu of your survival strategy. The experiment is for 1 week, although really you can keep doing this experiment for the rest of your life. The experiment is to scan for things, ask for things and do things that your Box might think you do not want to do.
You go to a restaurant and instead of choosing the meal you like, you choose the meal that has the weirdest name. Just to try. Think to yourself: "Maybe I would want that if I knew what it was." Apply for a theatre mask making workshop. Ask a person you do not know for a hug. Go volunteering in a homeless people shelter, or hold space for someone to feel their feelings using the Map of How to Consciously Feel (from the book 'Directing the Power of Conscious Feelings'.
Find out what it is you want, by trying things that your Box has not allowed you to try. The result is that you can expand your options of what it is that you might want. Maybe what you want is actually to experiment.
Who is in control of what you want, you or your Box?
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.04 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
SAY 'I WANT'
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.05
We have trained ourselves to say 'I would like', or 'Would you like', or 'Let's do this', or 'What if we did this?' which are weak, spinless ways to pretend to not say what we want. These are lies.
For the next week week, stop lying and use the sentence 'I want' at least 20 times per day. Use it before breakfast, 'I want to get out of bed' and get out of bed, 'I want to eat yogurt this morning', 'I want to try this new coffee place with you', etc... Even when messaging. As part of this experiment, in each of your message, write down 'I want...'
Have Fun saying what you want!
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.05 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 1 Matrix Point.
GIVE VOICE TO YOUR OUTRAGEOUS WANTS
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.06
For two weeks, once a day or twice a day, tell different people outrageous things that you want. Including things that might seem to be impossible at the moment. For example you might tell somebody: "I want the entire disposable plastic industry to be banished and each producer to be put in prison. For 10 years." Or you might say: "I want people to be killed to cut down any tree that is older than 10 years old. I want the entire downtown of my city to be blocked off for cars and the streets are changed to pedestrian lanes, and stuff is being carried around by people with wheelbarrows. I want no more polyester clothing to exist on the earth. I want all fish restaurants closed all around the planet."
Tell people forcefully, to the point, regardless of whether they might think it is impossible or not. Do not concern yourself with that. This experiment is to give voice to your own outrageous wants that you have been suppressing because you are trying to be normal or sane and think within the limits that people are okay with. Let your outrageous part come alive.
Practice it with your Possibility Team on stage for a while. Get up there for 5 minutes and shout at your Team all the outrageous things that you want. Use your Anger and commit. Take turns.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.06 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 5 Matrix Points.
CENTER YOUR LIFE AROUND SAYING WHAT YOU WANT
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.07
For someone who is a recovering Professional Adaptive, saying what you want will feel like you are an selfish, egocentric, absolutely arrogant asshole.
The first step in this experiment is to do the Emotional Healing Process about your Fear about being an arrogant asshole if you say what you want. Who was an arrogant angry asshole, who commanded with an iron first their crowd, around you when you were young? What was your exact decision about not becoming like them ever?
After doing the EHP, practice comes in.
For an entire week, shift identity into Becoming A Pirate. To remind yourself of this new identity, buy a handkerchief, a Pirate hat or a compass, and wear it ALL THE TIME on your person like a Pirate would do.
From this new identity, for the next 7 days, say what you want and GO DO what you want, no matter if people agree or think about you (or what you think they think about you). As a Pirate, you are on a Quest, and no one can stop you from being on a Quest. You might be surprised about how many people want to accompany you on your Quest, so invite them and make a Party out of it.
At the end of the 7 days, throw a Being a Pirate party (without alcohol) where you invite your guests into doing some of the experiments of this website so they can start practicing saying what they want.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.07 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 2 Matrix Points.
PRACTICE SAYING WHAT YOUR BRIGHT PRINCIPLES WANT
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.08
You have been serving a set of 5 to 7 Bright Principles since you were born. However, because you did not go through your adulthood and archetypal initiatory processes from the moment you were 18 years. Most of your service has been unconscious.
This experiment is a chance to serve your Bright Principles consciously. Before starting this experiment, read slowly and deeply the entire Bright Principle website.
This might feel like a weird experiment to do, and, it is also a Fun experiment to do. This experiment is for one whole day during each of the next three week whenever there is an opportunity to say what you want, pause for a moment, let the first though go by and then let your one or more of your Bright Principle speak and say what they want.
Notice what your Bright Principles want may be different from what you want, in so far as, what your Bright Principles wants is more oriented towards the Archetypal and less oriented towards the personal. Write down in your Beep! Book as many of the things as you can that your Bright Principles want. Tell the legend of doing this experiment at your online or offline Possibility Team.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.08 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 3 Matrix Points.
PRACTICE SAYING WHAT YOUR ARCHETYPAL LINEAGE WANTS
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.09
Your Archetypal Lineage has a different purpose and wants than your survival strategy, your Box and Gremlin who are absolutely okay with dwelling in the shy, adaptive, subdued state of hesitation or complete abandonment of what you want.
Your Archetypal Lineage has clear wants that might for most the time make no sense to you or be in complete contradiction with your wants.
Noticing the wants of your Archetypal Lineage require lowering your numbness bar to have access to subtle energetic pulls in this or that direction AND a practice in going unreasonable - litteraly that there is no reasonable reason for doing what you want.
Plan an entire day for your Archtetypal Lineages wants. During that day, before each move, lower your numbness bar, and ask your Archetypal Lineage: what do you want now?
It could say: 'I want a bardo special for breakfast', 'I want to walk to the river at this time exactly', and when at the river, it says: 'I want to turn in this street, go into this store, and drop a postcard of your work here exactly', it might say: 'I want to call this person', 'I want to watch this video', 'I want to write this poem', on and on and on.
The experiment is SAY EVERYTHING that your Archetypal Lineage wants to say, and DO EVERYTHING that you Archetypal Lineage wants to do. If you do not do one of the thing, the next things is blocked to come down the tube.
At the end of the day, thank graciously your Archetypal Lineage for having waited for you to listen to what it wanted to say for a long time.
Write a 1-2 page report on your day with Archetypal Lineage.
After completing this experiment and posting the link to the report, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.09 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
This Experiment is worth 3 Matrix Points.
PRACTICE SAYING WHAT THE SPACE WANTS
Matrix Code SAYWHATY.10
Often times in a meeting or a talk or a conference, what the space really wants to be said is not been said by the speaker. Talks, etc... are a collaborative creation. This means that you in the audience also have responsibility contributing to the success of the research.
This experiment is for the next month. Each time you are in an online or offline talk, worktalk, workshop, seminar, meeting, etc... that you listen for what the space wants to say, and when it comes to you - even you do not understand it - you instantly raise your hand and say what the space wants to say.
After completing this experiment, please register Matrix Code SAYWHATY.10 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.